Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
