Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
