I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
