Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
