i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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