That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
