toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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