I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
