its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
