i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
