I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
