He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
