Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
