If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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