I just cut my nipple shaving
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
