Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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