i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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