Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
