ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
