he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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