Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
