You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
