shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
