I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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