you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize