So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
