You surviving the open bar?
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I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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