You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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