Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
