after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
