i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
