I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
