I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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