So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
