They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize