Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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