I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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