I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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