We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am naked and annoyed.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
