hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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