this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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