1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
