I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
