have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
