So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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