It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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