he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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