Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
