He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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