I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
