3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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