You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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