I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
