you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
