just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
