if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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