She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
