Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
