Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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