You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's get the cat blown out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
