Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
