I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize