dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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