Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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