Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
